I’m Not Stuck. I'm Just Not Moving.

What Hilma af Klint taught me about finishing my book when the magick fades.

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I’m over a year into writing my book: A Grimoire for My Daughters: Stories to Unlock Your Intuitive Gifts and I’m floating.

Not the lost feeling of floating. But rather, the slow and steady calm of not going anywhere. To give you an update, I’ve written the first draft and am currently editing chapter eight (of twelve).

For a few weeks, I was in such a deep flow. My dear friend and godsend Natalie Katona would send me story notes, and then every Thursday my husband Sal and I would sit down at my computer in the dinning room to refine. There was an organic movement to it. I felt joy. I felt excitement. I felt good about it all.

But since the New Year things have slowed to a steady halt and I’ve felt this sense of overwhelm around continuing or finishing.

I want to finish the book, I do. But lately I’ve started to feel insecure and self-conscious every time I open up my word document. Instead of inspired and renewed, I just feel a sense of dread as I stare blankly at the page. What once began as this very in-flow process has turned into this sticky mess.

When I reflect on how I’ve finished big projects in the past, like my documentaries, I know that end is the hardest. It’s the “pulling teeth” part that makes you wonder why you had ever dreamed this dream in the first place! I know there must have been moments in both my film projects where I thought, “forget it, the world doesn’t really need this.” But I eventually got there.

For Dream, Girl I finished the film with laryngitis and an pneumonia. I remember begging the doctor to give me meds so I could be healthy for our premiere at Obama’s White House in 2016. I was so sick at the end, it felt like the project took everything from me to get it done. But being a mother I don’t have the bandwidth to give my book everything. My kids get everything, then whatever is left goes to my house, my husband, and the projects I love (like this substack— that I fight everyday to keep).

Recently on my podcast The Hidden History of Magick we discussed the work and legacy of Hilma af Klint. A Swedish painter whose work was never shown publicly. Seventy-five years after she died, her work premiered at the Guggenheim becoming the most popular exhibit the museum had ever seen.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Hilma this week while I struggle with my own creative work. What if no one sees my book? What if no one cares? This is the journey we all take as artists, the walk into the unknown when we make. Ss Hilma famously says:

“I am so small. I am so insignificant, but the force that flows through me is so powerful that I must go forward."
- Hilma of Klint

I hope as I continue on my book writing journey I can be brave like Hilma. I can push myself past the discomfort and insecurity, to stay focused on the process. And if that happens, and the book gets finished, maybe one day you can hold it in your hands.

So mote it be.

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Listen to Ep 5 “Hilma af Klint with Chris DeRosa”

“From her controversial coven, to the channeled art that took the Guggenheim by storm, we discuss why she drives art historians crazy and what it means to be a woman ahead of your time.”

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With love from Under the Moon Gate,

Erin

✨ Book a Reading
🪩 The Hidden History of Magick
📕 A Grimoire for My Daughters